Me and the Chain Link Fence

I have needed to write a blog on submission (because God told me to) for a while now. But I didn’t do it because submitting my will, plans, opinions, ideas… and control is really hard. And how could I write a blog telling people to submit to God when submission is still an issue that I have to work on everyday?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just feel like I can work out a situation on my own. I don’t really need anyone to help me out or tell me their opinion. How ignorant I am sometimes.

Just recently I’d been struggling (hard-core) to submit my heart to Him in a certain matter. I wanted to and even tried at times but there was a disconnect somewhere. I knew that I had not truly given it over to God because I kept thinking and obsessing about it (which is a pretty good sign that I was trying to be in control). (grins to self)

So… how did I come to the place to submit my will in this circumstance to God?

Well, it’s pretty simple really. I tried over and over and over and over (well you get the point) again to make things happen the way I wanted them to and EVERY SINGLE TIME something went wrong. It’s almost like what I wanted was on the other side of a chain link fence and I was so close to getting it, but I just couldn’t. Basically I got tired of always failing. So after a few tears and a lot of disappointment I realized that I simply cannot control everything. BUT God can! (Amen and hallelujah!)

Understanding and believing are two totally different things. I’ve always understood that God has my best interest at heart and works out everything in my life for my good… but as for believing, I can’t say that I truly did.

Believing that God can take care of me is SO liberating!!! I no longer have to stress about making everything work out, because He does that for me.

So if you want some hard-core liberation come to the end of yourself and submit to God. It truly will change your life!

I'm certainly NOT perfect. I still have to choose to submit my will to God everyday... but I'm working on it. Maybe we can work on it together!

Do I ever say no?

I was visiting with my good ol' friend, Anna, today and she asked me how one of my study groups went (I had told her previously that I had to go to one). I told her it went fine but I had a lot of work to do because my group delegated everything to do to me.

She told me that I need to learn to say "no" to people. . . that's a hard one for me. I like making people happy (even if it means doing more than my share of the work). I didn't really think that I had a problem with saying "no" until I got home and started working on all of the things that my group delegated me to do. Then I got a call from my sister-in-law asking me to come to dinner with her. Don't get me wrong. . . I wanted to go to dinner, I just knew that I didn't have the time. But I told her that I would because it would make her happy. So now I will stay up all night getting everything else finished.

I have a disease called Okay, whatever you want.

It's just like Dominoes, once you start saying "yes" you never can seem to stop. You just keep falling into something else.

I have a problem. . . and I'm going to start dealing with it.

Day 4 - The Sequel

Where was I? Ah yes, in tears. So as I was laying there in my bed with tears streaming down my face muttering “I can’t do this, I can’t do this” (by the way I learned that when we cry we always latch onto one phrase and say it over and over such as “I did my best” or “I can’t do this” – thanks for educating me Dane!)

Anyway, back to the story. My mom was concerned as any mother would be at her child’s dismay and so saw fit to ask me what I couldn’t do. I replied through sobs “Life, being sick, how am I supposed to take a test that I haven’t studied for and can barely open my eyes to look at it. Life’s not fair and I can’t do this.”

In the midst of my tears I had an epiphany, or maybe God just spoke to me, I’m not sure which it was. Perhaps when we have an epiphany it is because God is speaking to us. I don’t claim to know seeing as how I am not clear on the matter. Either way the words were Charissa can’t, God can. In the midst of my blubbering; Charissa can’t, God can. Realizing that God is in control of our lives and we don’t have to be is such a liberating feeling.

So I dried my tears and took some more Tylenol in attempts to soothe my pains away. The Tylenol helped, but the true relief was knowing that God has my back and when I can’t do something that’s exactly the time that He steps in to cover me. Yeah, He’s pretty much amazing!

Have you had some times in your life when you simply couldn’t go on or weren’t capable of doing what was asked of you and God stepped in to show Himself faithful?

Day 4

So this is Wednesday. . . I began the throwing up, head aches, body aches, chills, fever, and general discomfort on Sunday. Here I am three days later and I still feel just as bad if not worse than day one. I had a test today. . . a BIG one. But I should back up a little and tell more of the story leading to the test.

Since I was a young tot, reading and studying has always made me feel kind of ill. Maybe just because I've never liked it, but I really think it is physiological. I've known about this test for a few days now and I just kept thinking 'I'll be well tomorrow, then I can study.' I'd been thinking that for a few days and then it hit me last night while I was laying on my couch. . . I don't have a tomorrow to study. I must study now. So I pulled out my trusty computer and began looking over my notes.

Have you ever had one of those head aches when you honestly feel like there must be a knife stabbed in through your skull into your brain, you just can't see it. Well I have.

As I was studying I began to feel as if there was a bomb in my head and it was counting down to explosion. Every pounding sensation I felt was one tick closer to detonation. I simply couldn't go on anymore. I knew that I had to stop. So I did. I quit studying.

I figured that going to bed and sleeping would bring me relief but it was to no avail. The pain was too much to handle. So I cut off my head. . . OK, I didn't but I wanted to. As I was in my bed my mom decided to come check on me. She came in my room and said, "How are you doin' sweetie?" the words weren't life changing but they brought about a flood of tears. Followed by "I can't do this, I can't do this."

Tune in tomorrow for the answer to the question in your head. . . 'WHY?' and for the ever important conclusion of what I learned.

FREEDOM!

I was sitting down at Citybites yesterday, eating some luch with a great friend of mine. We were discussing topics of actual importance, you can do that with real friends. As I was picking at my salad, thinking 'man, I really wish I was eating a brownie' the conversation took a turn.

We began to converse about the past and changes that have taken place in our lives since we had met each other in 2004. She began to tell me about myself, which I hadn't really expected. Normally, people refer to themselves when it comes to changes in their personal life.

She was telling me that when she first met me I was very reserved and I didn't talk much. As I thought back to 2004, it wasn't difficult for me to remember myself. The girl that I used to be, I didn't even like. I was so bound by insecurity and doubt about myself and my self-worth that I thought no one would even care to hear what I had to say. If they did care it would just be to correct me and tell me my opinions were wrong. I had been so hurt by people that I had almost forgotten how to be vulnerable and allow others to really see me for who I was. I allowed satan to use those hurts in my life to take me captive to myself.

I was a prisoner of self. Thinking back on it now, I realize how selfish I was. I wasn't about others, not really, I put on a pretty good show. But I was really thinking, 'if I do this... they will think this way about me. But if I do that... they will think that way about me'. Every act was led by what other people thought of me and how I could benefit from it.

This has been a sad story thus far, but I am telling you now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Jesus is the light. The only way I was freed from my bondage was through Him. The day that God freed me, I was reading in the book of Esther. I was taken with the story, since I've grown up in church, I have heard the story a hundred times, but for some reason this particular day it was real to me like it had never been before.

When the virgins were taken before the king to be presented to him they were allowed to take anything they wanted for beautification. Jewelry, was the most common choice among the women, not the stuff from Claire's, but the real stuff from Tiffany's. But not Esther, she didn't need it. She was already beautiful, she didn't need to adorn herself with anything special to show her beauty. The Bible says in Esther 3:15, Esther found favor in the eyes of all who saw her. I knew at that moment that I wanted to be an Esther. A woman so fiercly beautiful that eveyone found favor with her.

The cool thing about the story is that out of all the women, she was chosen. Not simply because she had a pretty face, but because her heart was hidden in the Lord. She eventually went on to save her entire race, the Jews.

God allowed me to see that day that every woman is supposed to be an Esther. Beautiful and in love with her creator. I can't say that the change in my life has been an easy one. I would be full of lies if I did. I had to take captive the lies that I believed about myself. But it didn't end there. It is an ongoing process, I still have to take thoughts captive daily and will as long as I'm alive. But it does get easier, once you start making an effort to pay attention to the thoughts going through your head, you begin to notice which ones are yours and which ones are ploys to get you off track and believing another lie.

Since this freedom has come about in my life, I have become a new woman... a better one. I do things for people because it is the right thing to do and I now realize that I am worthy and capable of being loved. As a result of that, I can actually have a conversation with people without worrying about being "right". People care about me and what I have to say because I do the same for them. I guess you do really reap what you sow.

What are some lies that you have believed about yourself and how do you deal with them?